Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
Randomize
