Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
