i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
