i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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