I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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