It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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