The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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