Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Randomize
