That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"