u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
