I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
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