I can't breathe out the right side of my face
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
