Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
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