I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
