He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
