need another drink. this is the easiest way
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
