Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
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