why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
