Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
