I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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