I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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