Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
