You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
