Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I am available for nakedness
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