i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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