I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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