If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
