I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
