I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
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