Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
