My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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