I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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