i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
