Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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