Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
