her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
