NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
