Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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