I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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