youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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