Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
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