He asked to "fluff my boner.."
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
