Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
