this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
3 2 1 whiskey
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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