If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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