This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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