Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
