I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
