wakey wakey hands off snakey
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
