While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
