Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
