shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
