Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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