yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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