can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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