you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
