So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
