Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
