HIV tests are more positive than that guy
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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