Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i think i scared a bird with my dick
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
