I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
