I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
