the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You are the jesus of drinking
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Oh god it's open bar.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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