I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
