did you get engaged???
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
